The Desires of My Heart

Tonight I write with a very full heart and a gratitude to my God. Today has changed who I am. Today I woke up and did not want to get out of bed and go to church but I knew that I should. I dragged myself out of bed and got ready for my church meetings. I arrived to sacrament meeting feeling disheartened at the 3 long hours I faced until I could return home to the comfort of my warm bed but the warmth I received in that chapel was more comforting than the warmth that any blanket could offer. I sat in silence as the sacrament was being passed wondering what I was doing there. I felt torn inside, I felt as though my spirit and my body were at war with each other. I knew I was suppose to be in that chapel but the defiant side of me sat and told me that I could be doing other things. I prayed to my Father in Heaven and asked for guidance. I sat with a pen in hand and just began to write. The words that were penned in that holy place have changed my outlook on who I am and what I desire in this life and beyond. Today in the quiet, hallowed walls of a chapel I was reminded of my sacred mission on this earth, what I desire and who my Father in Heaven wants me to be. These sacred words are my hopes and my dreams... The desires of my heart.

I desire that I might always be able to know what my Heavenly Father's willis for me and then be blessed with the faith and courage to follow that path and become an instrument in His hands. I desire to continually be worth to house the spirit in my heart. I desire to be a servant of the Master, I want to be a worthy daughter of God that Heavenly Father will trust to bring his sons and daughters to this Earth. I desire that I will remain true to my testimony and act upon my beliefs so that I may one day enter into the sacred walls of the temple, where I might kneel across an altar and be sealed to my eternal companion for time and all eternity so that we together might more fully serve our God. I desire to have the humility to see and recognize the hand of God in all things. I desire to serve my God not only during my Earthly probation but in the eternities to come. I desire to have strength to withstand the whirlwinds of this world and come out a better person having learned the principles that the Lord would want me to learn. I desire to be a mother that will, with her husband, raise a family in the fullness of the gospel, teaching them of their Savior's love for them and the power of the priesthood that their father will hold. I desire to have the patience to fulfill all things in the Lord's time. I desire to have the faith to continuously trust the Lord and follow his eaxample to return to my Father in Heaven. I desire that I will one day return to the presence of my Heavenly Father and be welcomed home with open arms. I desire that I will forever dwell in the presence of my God with my husband and all my children, and I hope and pray that I will receive wisdom to make the choices minute by minute and hour by hour that will lead me to my Heavenly Father. I desire to have a relationship with my Savior, to speak to him daily and learn to turn to him before any one else so that I might more fully understand the work and the mysteries of God that he would have me know. I pray that I will continually keep  these desires in my heart and strive daily to draw closer to my Heavenly Father so that I  may one day look back and realize that I have fulfilled my dreams and have become the daughter my Father would have me be.

3 Nephi 13:20-21
" But Lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."

My Deepest Fear

Tonight was quite an interesting night full of ups and downs and in the end an amazing lesson to be learned. For quite a while I have felt insecure because of my looks and my weight. Tonight those fears and feelings of being insecure rose to the surface once again. I have always tried to work hard, be a kind person, and do the will of my Heavenly Father but so often people do not see that in me, they only see my physical appearance and then dont bother looking down past the surface. Once again I was passed over, I was hurt and I felt like no one understood me. I wondered why..  Why I had prayed for help to lose weight and become beautiful with no answer. Why was it that Heavenly Father would not help me with this one thing I have wanted so much. I have worked for it and have tried so hard to change but it seemed as though all my prayers and pleadings were going unanswered then these words came to my mind and it was as though Heavenly Father had put these words straight into my very soul...
 "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
I am a child of my Heavenly Father and I am exactly who he wants me to be. He made me this way for some reason I do not know, but do I need to know? No. I am a brilliant, gorgeous, and talented daughter of God. I will no longer shrink, I will stand and shine because I am who I am meant to be, and being me is wonderful. My deepest fear is no longer that  I am inadequate... My deepest fear is that I am powerful beyond measure. Heavenly Father has many lessons for each of us to learn daily. He truly does LOVE us and does what is best. He knows the power we have the potential of yielding. He puts us in places where we can grow and become future rulers in his kindgom. He knows that we are powerful beyond measure.

Your Not Alone

"WHEN YOU SAW ONLY ONE SET OF FOOTPRINTS, IT WAS THEN THAT I CARRIED YOU"

Today my mother came to Logan to visit and look at apartments with me for next fall. We looked at a few apartments but none of them really felt right to me. The more we looked the more I began to realize that it wasn't the apartments that I wasn't liking, it was the feeling of having to start over again. Two of my roommates are moving to an apartment that I know isn't right for me at this time so I'm going off on my own once again. As we looked I felt lonely and quite scared. I began to think about my Heavenly Father and wondering why his plan for me was different than my own. I started to begin to wonder if he was listening to my prayers and if he knew what I wanted. But like so many times before when I begin to doubt and feel like he is not listening to me, the powerful, calm voice inside my head whispers to me and tells me that he is there and that he cares. I conveyed my feeling to my Mother who always has some wonderful words of advice to bring comfort.  I told her how I felt I was drawing away from my Father in Heaven, even though I was trying my hardest to grow closer to him. My mom pointed out the fact that just because we are doing the right things does not guarantee that we will be immediately rewarded, in reality most of the the time our blessings come much later. Heavenly Father has is own plan and we need to align our will with his and realize that we aren't alone, I am not alone and I am not the only one that has a plan for myself. In fact, I'm positive that Heavenly Father has a plan for me that can take me places I could never imagine without him. My Heavenly Father loves me, I am his daughter and he will watch over me. He does not leave us alone he will always be there all you must do to see him is simply bring your knees to the ground and I promise he will be there.

New Beginnings

Tomorrow I start over, I get a new beginning, a second chance. This past semester I discovered that I was definitely not meant to be a music major. It all started a year ago, all the applying for different colleges, auditioning, and waiting. On the inside I always believed that Utah State was where I was meant to be so there was no hesitation when I prayed and I received my answer. After Scholarship auditions for the music program I continued to pray and recieved the answer that I was suppose to be a music major. As the semester progressed I discovered I was miserable, I had never been so unhappy. I was lost wondering why Heavenly Father sent me to Utah State to be a music major when what resulted was a horrible semester full of struggles and barriers. The past few weeks I reflected upon everything I learned about myself and realized that Heavenly Father knew exactly what he was doing when he sent me here to be a music major. I learned lessons about life and about me that I couldn't have learned anywhere else. Tomorrow Heavenly Father is giving me a new beginning at Utah State, a chance to be true to who I am. Tomorrow is the day I begin my journey to become a nurse, my lifelong dream. I know Heavenly Father has put me on this path for a reason just like he has done so many times before. I know he is there for me and will always help me. Heavenly Father has given me hope for a fresh start. He gives us all hope to start clean, we must always remember that it is never to late to have a new beginning, a fresh start but one that we will still carry all our previous life lessons through. We go through adversity so we can carry everything we learn to a new place, a new beginning. Tomorrow is my new beginning, one that will not be faced alone.

Hope

I have hope in Christ. I know that through the wind and pouring rains, the storm, and the tempests that hope will endure and can rise above all. Hope is the key to happiness. Finding hope in Christ, in the Gospel and in this world is changing my life. Hope is found not all at once but by searching and walking towards it one step at a time. Each step we take brings us closer to our Savior and to our wonderful Father in Heaven. I have hope.

Ultimate Love

Ever since I was a child I always seemed to be impacted by the emotions of those around me more than others. I have often times found my self being the listener and trying to do everything in my power to comfort others. Today a person I care about very much had a terrible thing happen to him. My friend., Darren, found his best friend after he had committed suicide. I had no idea how to comfort him and spent the entire day trying to become a place of solace for him. That night I found consolation in tears and a phone call to my Mother. While talking I realized I had learned a lesson I had not intended to learn. The death of Zach, a person that I had not known that well had impacted me to an extent beyond measure. Knowing what had happened to Zach was hard but what was unbearable was the pain I felt because of the pain his death had brought to those I care about. Seeing Darren and many other friends go through such a trying time had impacted me. I then realized that if their pain was becoming my pain to the extent it was, how much greater was Christ's pain and our Father in Heavens pain. I realized that they both have an ultimate love. Love that is beyond measure. Everytime I cry, he crys with me. He feels my pain and goes through every minute of anger, sadness, and grief right along with me. I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have an ultimate love for me and for everyone upon this Earth. I have never felt their love so strong before. We all find ourselves in moments of weakness and doubt, feeling alone and disheartened, if we open our hearts in the moment of despair. They will enter and fill the empty, bring calm to the chaos, and companionship to the lonesome. I know that Christ loves me and you. I know that you have a Father in Heaven who loves you and who loves me. I am his daughter and he is always by my side. I have hope through their love.